I have been trying to get it back; everything I lost, threw away, gave away, or mishandled. I have been trying to get it back; all of it, every single piece of it. The physical items, the memories, the emotions, that internal excitement I was consumed within, during the discovery of something new. I no longer experience newness, or any type of excitement whatsoever, as this is part of the lifecycle. Those intangible clouds you want to hold on to, as one day you come to the realization they will never exist as a material tangibility. They were once within my hands, no longer a substance which can be held within the palms, but only contained within the thoughts of the mind. These intangibles are all around me; swimming deeply within my heart. It is not; you do not know what you have until it is gone. It is more of; you did not know the uniqueness of who you were, as you were getting rid of it. Once a part of yourself leaves, you will never get it back; it is forever gone. The rigidity in which you ceased caring, is the same rigidity you will constantly feel within your heart, when these incorporeal memories and ideologies, come flooding back from within. Look upon yourself, and understand for what purpose were these things expelled from your life. You made a conscious effort, and took action to release these things from your life. There was a definite reasoning for it at the time, a reasoning which compelled you to take extreme action to release. There is no point in looking back, acting back, seeking back, or trying to remember any of it. They are now gone; allow them to be free, and to live on their own. Transitions come and go, as transitions will continue to slide themselves through you for the rest of your life. Allow the rest of your life to be natural, honest, delicate, and forthcoming. Do not hinder your growth by swimming in the memories of a past life, as this self-defeating action will only lead you to the land of nowhere. Nowhere is the abyss of nonexistence. Nowhere is the land of dead words, as it is also the residence of where the actions of the others live. This is where the heart lives in confinement; chained within the yesterdays, whys, and all of the should haves. Nowhere is where all the blood of every broken word dries up; leaving the mouth scabbed, crusty, and vengeful. Nowhere is when it happened; not enough knowledge to know any better, as better could not have existed within one’s self. Leave wanting it all back alone; allow life to naturally come back to you. It will eventually all come back, once you are ready for it to do so.
Tag: transition
Fate From Above
Do you ever get that feeling, as though you are being tested by powers and/or forces greater than yourself? Or perhaps, you are experiencing specific circumstances and situations within your life, as though you are being initiated into a rebirth? I have experienced this type of specific predicament many times over within my life. It feels as though one is a passenger within their life, as attempting to control any type of direction being traveled towards, is grotesquely futile. There is a difference between destiny and fate. Do you know the difference? Then I will tell you: destiny is the part of one’s life, which one has decided for themselves. On the other hand, fate is the life part of one’s life, which the “Fates” have decided for them. (Believe it or not; Greek mythology is not mythology at all!) Meaning: when it seems one has no control over their life, there are forces other than yourself, which are invoking their will upon your life; guiding you to your rightful place within it. During the process of this kind of transition, one will not have the capacity to understand exactly what is truly occurring within their life. It is only when one has arrived within their rightful place, will they possess the full capacity to truly comprehend the metamorphosis, which took place within their life. Chaos is the equilibrium within the independence of one’s character and inner nature.
If you look closely upon the picture above, you will see the eagle in flight at the top of the canvas; guiding the people below him, to where they need to be within their life. Destiny exists within one’s heart. Fate exists within the consciousness of creation. The eagle is on of the totems of Scorpio, the sign of transformation, rebirth, life, and death. One must experience a death, in order to live a new life. Just as you and I do on a daily basis.
A Forgotten Path
To relinquish your past can be an extraordinarily tedious endeavor. This is especially true if you are of the over-thinking type. You know the type; regurgitating the same thoughts over and over again in your mind, to the point one creates and projects scenarios within their thoughts, that could not be farther from reality. But really; isn’t reality subjective for everyone? This is our path, to create something new, while trying to forget our old ways in order to move forward in life. There can be a specific type of derangement, which one may experience when transitioning from their metamorphosis. This derangement will come in the form of a tiny, prickly, but mostly numbing thought. This thought will gnaw at your spinal column until you lose all feeling within your body, except for your mind. Your mind will know an agony greater than any type of physical pain you could ever imagine. This is the mind-numbing interlude within Death’s transition. It is referred to as ‘falling asleep’ because you are falling away from yourself; the corporeal existence you have experienced within that specific day. It is referred to as ‘waking up’ because the ‘wake’ (the remembrance of one’s death is now over. Death is life’s greatest illusion; knowing you will eventually be at peace within yourself when death occurs can be an invitation to explore one’s inner workings. The derangement you will experience, is simply a withdrawal from the habitual psychosis (psycho dramas) one creates as their reality while they experience their waking life.
Some Type of Reasoning
If you feel as though you keep hitting a brick wall in life, then there must be some type of reasoning existing behind the wall. Sometimes circumstances exist to protect you, not to hinder your progress moving forward in life. Where does this protection come from? Perhaps a holy guardian angel, also known as an inner daemon? There is no exact threshold in which this knowing can fully be attained. Sometimes there will exist periods within one’s life, which simply needs to be lived through.
Self-Reliance
Henry Rollins once said, “…all you have is yourself and your mind…” Over the course of my lifetime, I have come to understand just how true that statement is. Self-reliance within itself, is truly the only tangible grasp one can feel within their lives, as one is holding on to their nonconformist ideologies. In case you were wondering, I have never been able to depend on anyone within this lifetime; let alone trust anyone for that matter. All you can trust is one’s nature, and how they will live their life in accordance to their nature. Resourcefulness, nonconformity, volition, and self-reliance are the traits of an individual, who will only know success within their lifetime. Compliance = Death. Not necessarily a physical death, but the death of your consciousness. Remember that.
Deliberation of Persistence
Another morning. Eyes burning. In shock of what they are witnessing. Another morning. Within another lifetime. The differences are repeating themselves. A transition within a self-limiting existence. No threshold. Only a stranglehold of the consciousness. Back breaking endeavor. Split spine. The soul’s wasted time. A deliberation of persistence. Another aggression on repeat. Repeating itself. There is a distinction within the hue. Neither you nor I, knew it at the time. There is no such control, when it comes to the unknowable; other than the type of control one will allow to be bestowed upon them. Do you really think there is another type of control? No, there exists no such thing. It was all a scam. Life. Liberty. The pursuit of nothingness. I already thought you knew all of this by now, or at least you began to figure this out. I guess not.
G.G. Kalfas 