I do not recognize the humans anymore. There has been a change within their DNA, which has altered them physically, psychically, and spiritually. There exists a lack mentality within the humans nowadays. When one ventures out into this etiquette lacking society, you can actually see the looks on the other’s faces, as though they are not going to get what is rightfully theirs. Rarely do I see a smile on another’s face when out in this etiquette lacking society. I watch as the humans walk aimlessly through their lives; looking for some type of hope, with the blank expression of their life’s devastation, solemnly hanging off their face. Why not kill yourself, if you are that miserable living your life? The hurt and pain being expressed upon the other’s faces, is in fact brutal. The others do not have the capacity, nor the knowledge of how to let go. Their thoughts create their facial features, just as their thoughts create their now sandpapered body energy field. If you are a sensitive, which means you are highly sensitive to energy, and the energy others project, you may in fact find it difficult at times to be out in society. You will find yourself going out into society more in the evenings, as opposed to during the day, that is if you are not at work. You also refuse to drive your car during rush hour, as you are constantly absorbing the energetic frustration and aggravation from the other drivers on the road. You have the complete capacity to be an isolationist, as you greatly enjoy your time alone. If you do in fact have friends, they are of a select few, as you only have the capacity to befriend those with who you can maintain a deep connection with. If you are in a relationship, your partner must be completely on the same level as you; otherwise, the relationship will never work out, as your partner will lack the fundamental capacity to understand your thought process. Being a sensitive can be an isolating type of lifestyle, but this does not necessarily mean you have to live an unfulfilling isolated life. On your path through this life, you will meet others who are sensitives as well. You may or may not share a connection with one another, but that work is left between the two of you. I know you are not the type whom will utter the defaming words, “I’m bored” as neither you or I have the time or the patience with these types of others. I know you have very special interests, which no one else knows about other than you. It is good to pursue these interests, as this will probably be the most fulfillment you may encounter within this lifetime. You intuitively know you will not experience the type of fulfillment you receive through your interests, by being in any type of personal relationship. I have never experienced any type of fulfillment, within any type of personal relationship. This is my design, the way I am; not possessing the ability to conform on any level, as I am also unable to emotionally connect with those around me. I have worked through this character trait my entire life, as I fully accept this quality, which allows me to live within myself. I was born unto this world with the inner inclination of being solitary, as I have accepted this trait within its entirety. It is true: I have no friends, and two family members who somewhat care about me. This is pretty much all I need, as this is how I have lived throughout the duration of my life. I have never known anything different, as it is extraordinarily difficult for me to emotionally connect with other people, let alone being able to connect with another romantically.
Tag: isolation
This Sudden Compulsion
I will sit alone sometimes with the lights turned off; solitarily thinking about my life in the darkness. I will suddenly have a compulsion from within. This sudden compulsion makes me stand upright; wanting to throw myself out into the world. This is when I remember and acknowledge to myself; I have nowhere to go. When I talk to, or approach people is public, a look of dread and fear befalls upon their face; thinking I am death, and I have come to take them away with me. The fear these people display is certainly uncalled for. I am not there to kill them where they stand, as I will more than likely wait until there is no one else around; making sure there are no eye witnesses. Not really. I am actually quite harmless most of the time. But to these people, I do not seem to be. They do not know I am talking to them for some sort of human contact. This contact is not due to loneliness, or attention seeking, on the contrary; I do not need people in my life, and I have never experienced loneliness. I approach these people as a form of practice. By doing so, I do not get rusty when I do need to talk to someone when it is necessary. When I am standing there with the lights off, and this compulsion is running hurriedly through me; I think about going out and rummaging through this disgusting dying world. Once I run through all of my previous experiences of going out into the world; I usually arrive at the same conclusion I have always arrived at: it is all a waste of my precious time. Once I remember my previous outings into society, this is when I sit back down. I will sit there quietly; closing my eyes, thinking and fantasizing about a world which does not reject me, in the way I have come to reject it.
Random Old Men
I know the light never wanted me here. When I go outside to lurk within the societal realm, I will usually spot an old man, quietly sitting by himself. This old man is distant from the others sitting around him, as though he wants nothing to do with them. With the intensity of his thoughts glowing within his eyes; he looks into the distance of time and space. This is the distance contained within the past, or the uncertainty contained within the near future. Smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee alone, can be a relaxing moment within one’s life. This can also reveal the emptiness, which has been acquired over many decades from being alone within one’s life. When I see these random old men smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee alone, I know this is quite possibly what my future could look like. Confusion. Fight. Change. Want. Need. Touching. Feeling. Nothing. Not much. Nothing is random. Everything has purpose and meaning.
A Funerial Heart
The cold warmth of a funerial heart. These are the times I can feel the disease within me; the disease within my mind. A diseased mind is a cure for life. A diseased mind and the living death, are truly the only cure for living within one’s life. How does one live in a world, where one is not recognized by it, yet they do not recognize the world? There is no day within the eternal night. The cessation within one’s own lifespan. Soft reverberations within one’s own rotting hand. The solitary warmth of one’s isolation, is the disease of ease. Too many attention seekers are seeking me. You must witness the nocturnal massacre, as you deeply breathe in their annoyances. Try not to choke on them.
There is a slight distinction within the hue, as neither you or I possess perfect eye sight. There is no vision, other than the type of vision one will allow to be bestowed upon them. Do you really think there is another type? No, there is not, as it was all a scam to begin with. I thought you knew all of this by now; I guess not.
Spiritual Dissonance
Seeking out its pleasures underneath the skin of others. A permanent marking within the soul. Bending backwards within it. Snap your soul in two. A piece for me. You can keep the other half. A memento of how you used to be. Falsity at its finest. The greatest hope existing from within. Company for the shallow and hollowness. Your life companions. Devouring your peace of mind. One piece at a time. Pieces of your fragmented reality. No inner peace. Pieces of mind. Outer defiance. Self-reliance. A lost circumstance within a neurotic embrace. Searching within the defilement of a membrane. Pulsating glances. You keep looking; searching for me. One search at a time. Finding nothing to look forward to. Intentions are more fulfilling than the actual reality. Isolation station. Rejected infection. Satiety within its own processes. A look within a magick egg. Are you ready to cleanse me? Spiritual dissonance. Observance of the desire you inflict upon me. I am ready for your fleshy tongue to annihilate me. A spirit contained within my possession. The bruja and the brujo keep looking for me. I have been waiting for their embrace. Desiring their eyes to look upon me, and within me. Cleansing me of my entities. One at a time. Too powerful to release them into the world all at once. I keep my possessions a secret.
The Marrow within your Bones
This is when it is heavy, consuming, and mind altering; when the mind and the body are fully consumed by the uncertainty, which slowly seeps its way in. This seeping is purposeful, determined, maniacal, and extraordinarily forceful. This is when the mind will begin to start creating false realities from within; controlling your actions in every way, within its own making. This consumption of uncertainty, will manipulate your being in every possible way within your mind, body, and spirit. You will eventually be consumed to the point of being able to feel your internal organs becoming rearranged within your body cavity. Uncertainty is the greatest ruler over the human condition; a powerful and non-negotiable master, wreaking havoc upon your mind, one painful second at a time. It is humanly impossible to avoid this uncertainty, as it slowly and carefully seeps into your life. When this happens, you will be able to feel the butterflies swooning around within your solar plexus. Unfortunately, they are not butterflies, as they are in fact violent cassowaries. The cassowaries are violently running within your insides in circles; thrashing and slashing your insides apart and open, with their serial killer instincts, and their dagger-like claws. Soon you will have the taste of blood within your mouth; rising up from the inside of your throat, from having your innards thrashed and slashed open. You have no one else to help you, as there never was anyone who could help you. It will be an all-consuming weigh; weighing you down heavily, down deep, below the Earth’s moist soil. You will find that this rich, tainted, and devouring soil, will be the chrysalis of your transformation. Only within this unforeseeable transformation, will be able to devour your old self. This will occur in order for you to be reborn into the true shape, into the true self-expressionist, which has been hiding deep within your fragile inner core from the very beginning. You cannot evade your purpose any longer; your mirror will not allow it to be so. Now, is the opportunity to become the pain, the torture, and the devastation you have always fantasized about; depleting the old self entirely, before the rebirth has a chance to breathe life within this new illusion it is about to explore within your being. The infantile, feeble, fallacies, will certainly defile your rebirthing process without hesitation if you allow it. During your rebirthing process; uncertainty will seep deeply into your fasha, spreading through your muscles, organs, ligaments, then finally resting deep within the marrow of your bones. This is when I will split your body wide open; ripping the bones out of your chest cavity with my bare and bloodied hands, sucking dry the marrow from your bones. Having the marrow sucked clean from your bones, will be the last phase of your transformation process. I will put the old memories, the old habits, and the old ways you have known to death. I will be the only true death you have ever known. After me, you will learn a new way of living, as I am the old ways in which you were dying. There is no greater gift, than the gift of an eternal death. Within this eternal death; you can hear the peaceful and deafening arias of the Fallen Ones, slowly and softly, serenading your eternal transition within your many ecstasies.
G.G. Kalfas 