There is no such thing as a right or wrong decision- there is only the direction you move towards- that is it- that doubt- that second guessing yourself- it is all fake- just as this life we are supposedly living is- it does not exist- you just think it does- life is a dream you have not yet awaken from- the illusion of all allusions- the illusion of finding yourself recognizable- no one has ever recognized you- no one ever will- it would have already happened by now- if it was ever going to happen- it is true- you never know what tomorrow will bring into your life- how many todays have you lived, that were once tomorrows- so now you can see- it is the illusion within the allusion of the circumstances within your thought process- within your psyche- you can get down on yourself all you want- you can think about your past- the details you want to change within it- and all you know about today- it is all pointless- there is nothing which exists within your past, which is changeable- only the present can be manipulated- can be controlled- one can be folded into two- three- four- five- even six- it will sink low into you- but never allow it to go too low into you- you may never be able to get it out of your system- this is the way it works- all or nothing- the lack of not knowing- this is what will drive you insane- this is what will make you feel weak- insecure about yourself- just as it has always done to you within your decrepit lifetime- I never knew- or thought- life was going to be this way- there are mountains- forests- ravines- lakes- swamps- of regret within me- sometimes- I feel useless within myself- as though I have no power at all- always yelling at me- so fucking loud- it is another cycle of circumstance- I am ashamed of myself- the inability of not living my life the right way- not knowing how to live life- the lack of design- the welfare of it- I think it will all change tomorrow- it will all become better overnight- I have been waiting for this change for over 30 years- it does not look as though it is going to happen- I don’t mind- it does not seem to be my lot in this life to truly live- maybe tomorrow it will all be different- maybe tomorrow it will all change for me- maybe tomorrow I will learn how to let go of my internal damage- maybe tomorrow I will learn how to live- maybe tomorrow I will be able to allow all of the pains which are killing me to die- maybe tomorrow I will be able to accept myself- maybe tomorrow I will learn how to be alright with who and how I am- maybe tomorrow I will learn how to love myself-
Tag: ggkalfas
To Remain Unfulfilled
See yourself through your eyes. To be yourself within your lies. An impossibility of acceptance. A memory within your self-inflicted cruel nonsense. There is no more time to dwindle away, enclosed within the sarcophagus of bondage and recklessness. I can see through your self-induced, tormenting nightmares. I can see through the secret depravity of your self-induced, wet and promiscuous daydreams. They will never be able to escape from your mind, no matter how many times you act them out in your waking life. This is the exact type of carnal revelations the Greek philosophers wrote about. That secret type of carnality, which only knows how to pleasure the flesh of temptation. To be yourself within your own carnality. To be yourself within your own pleasures. To be yourself; a lifelong dream, which will continue to remain unfulfilled.
A Delicate Homicidal Device
A delicate homicidal device. The kind which tortures you from the inside out. The kind which creates realities you never knew could exist within your past, and will never exist within your future. It is a side effect of living life; being delusional while trying to understand the secret meanings within the strange occurrences contained within life. The types of meanings, hidden within secret and sacred symbolism, which the Universe surprises you with at very specific moments within your life. I have experienced these types of moments all throughout my lifetime, as they have been harbingers of occurrences to come. Sometimes, I will see the eagles flying high in the sky over me. There have been times, when I have seen anywhere from, one to five eagles flying together at the same time. When I see the eagles flying high in the sky over me, this is when I experience a deep, lonely sadness within my heart. Seeing the eagles, denotes there will be peace and uplifting horizons before me. All I need to do is maintain my course; getting through what I am currently experiencing, and all will become right again within my life. This has always been the case after I see the eagles flying high in the sky over me. With robins, I associate them with love. The Universe speaks to me through the robins. When I start thinking about, and wanting love in my life, this is when I begin to see the robins. I never see robins on a consistent basis, I only see them when love is about to arrive into my life. It may not necessarily be of the true type of love, a soul type of love, or even a lasting type of love. The love I receive is usually of the passing kind. I know the robins will eventually send the real kind, the permanent kind of love into my life. Or quite possibly, the robins might be fucking with me. I do not think they are, but you never know. It is important to never reject love when it comes into your life, no matter what type or form it may appear in. Love will wear many different disguises, just as she always has. Our egos, this is what will reject love. The judgement within your glance, is the same judgement glancing back at you. This is the reflected image within the mirror, staring back at you. This image is love. Love will always make an appearance in your life, but not necessarily in the form we personally requested for it to be in. As though the human ego knows more about love than the Universe does.
This Sudden Compulsion
I will sit alone sometimes with the lights turned off; solitarily thinking about my life in the darkness. I will suddenly have a compulsion from within. This sudden compulsion makes me stand upright; wanting to throw myself out into the world. This is when I remember and acknowledge to myself; I have nowhere to go. When I talk to, or approach people is public, a look of dread and fear befalls upon their face; thinking I am death, and I have come to take them away with me. The fear these people display is certainly uncalled for. I am not there to kill them where they stand, as I will more than likely wait until there is no one else around; making sure there are no eye witnesses. Not really. I am actually quite harmless most of the time. But to these people, I do not seem to be. They do not know I am talking to them for some sort of human contact. This contact is not due to loneliness, or attention seeking, on the contrary; I do not need people in my life, and I have never experienced loneliness. I approach these people as a form of practice. By doing so, I do not get rusty when I do need to talk to someone when it is necessary. When I am standing there with the lights off, and this compulsion is running hurriedly through me; I think about going out and rummaging through this disgusting dying world. Once I run through all of my previous experiences of going out into the world; I usually arrive at the same conclusion I have always arrived at: it is all a waste of my precious time. Once I remember my previous outings into society, this is when I sit back down. I will sit there quietly; closing my eyes, thinking and fantasizing about a world which does not reject me, in the way I have come to reject it.
The Embryo Slits its own Wrists
A partnership of nothing. Revealed idiosyncrasies allowed me to see your true nature. The liar crept. Wore your shoes, and walked within them. Sang your blues. Quilted tears forgot about your fears. Nothingness is what your psyche has been blessed with. It is all your rotted mind can maintain. A fake smile, of the pointy nose type. Dancing within your pathetic guile. Cramps strike frequently. Just enough to numb my mind. Thinking about you kills my cock. The best kind of birth control I have found to date. Your teeth are shattered from the grotesque words it has helped your tongue speak throughout your aged lifetime. Too old to not know any better. Too old to live the life you live. Too young to die within the birth you were given. A narcoleptic confrontation. You were always unconscious during your life; bleeding your uterus to death. Too many deaths to consider. A delinquent type of rebirth. Nestled within your womb. The embryo slits its own wrists. Rejecting your birth canal. Many have traveled within your canal. Always coming in. Never coming out.
A Real Memento Mori
I use this life as a form of treatment. Everything and everyone surrounding you and I is a resource. Resources are meant to be used for our healings. It is important to recognize the catalysts within these resourceful healings. A need. A longing. A begging from someone wanting you to release them from their pain. I will use you as a specific form of treatment. Just as I have used so many others. The humans enjoy being used. This is their purpose within their mundane lives. Humans are to be used in every way imaginable. They are always begging me. Wanting to be the treatment I am seeking. A resource. A restraint. This is what allows the humans to feel purposeful. Being used for something, especially a treatment. The humans love to be treated less than. If they did not love it so much, they would never tolerate it. It is a rare occasion when I use someone else for a healing. I do not consider myself a psychic vampire. I consider myself a real vampire. The kind that will compel you; emptying your body of its vital essence. It can get messy. It always gets messy. Make accommodations. You will be my resourceful healing. Just for now. Tonight. When I am around. I will be with you soon enough. Draining a new life straight out of you. Creating a new life for you and I. Draining and drowning you. From within. From underneath. I am the real kind of pain. The kind which buries itself within your thoughts; crushing you and gushing you from the inside out. A real memento mori.
G.G. Kalfas 