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Directly into Your Eyes

I have spent the night here so many times, I should probably leave a toothbrush and some toothpaste. Maybe I should also leave some clothes to wear for the next day. The intentions change, but that feeling I get within the pit of my stomach never does. I should not be here, yet I always find myself returning back to this strange place, along with that nauseous feeling within the pit of my stomach. There was one intention, whom I had a tremendous affection for, but she could not get right with herself. You know the type; thinking about thinking, then thinking some more about thinking. What a self-depriving and tedious task, these types must live through; loving and craving every attention seeking moment within it. We really should not give these types of sheeple a hard time, as their gods have already punished them, by giving them the life they are currently living. Or, they have already punished themselves, by choosing the life they are currently living. I am sure you are wondering what or where this place is, I am referring to. Well, it is not an actual physical location, as much as it is a place hidden within one’s inner self. It is a dark place within your chest cavity. A dark place where all of your rejected intentions, permanently go to hibernate for the rest of your life. I have experienced many rejected intentions, too many to remember. I used to take these types of intentions personal, as these days I no longer take anything personal. Sometimes, it can be challenging, when there is an intention, which wants nothing to do with you. It will look directly into your eyes, and this intention will look past you, as though you do not exist. This intention wants nothing to do with you. I have been here before many times. I sometimes think it is going to be different, but it never is. I would like to know the truth hiding within one’s intentions, as I am seeking this truth hidden within mine. This is one of the reasons, as to why I live within my own atmosphere. I rarely come out of it, and I rarely allow anyone to come in to disturb me. Comfort of the heart, the mind, and the soul, are of the utmost importance. This can be especially true, when one finds comfort within their own heart. The heart is a fragile love, a love which needs to be nurtured and cared for. It cannot be abused, nor should it ever be ignored. Now, this is when the true magic happens; giving your heart to an affection of yours, and it is ignored. This is how you know the true intentions of your offered affection. Whatever the results may be, it is important to accept them, and to thoroughly move on with your life. Look at your life as a sensitivity experiment; when each intention passes, the next intention will be easier to withstand. Building up your tolerance, is the best exercise for the heart, mind, and soul. If you are living within this vibration, you will experience many intentions throughout your lifetime. It is important to keep in mind, that it is not the intention you have to pay attention to, as it is the way you react to the intentions you are presented with. In this life, one can only control the reaction to an experience, not the actual experience itself.

Recognizing the Humans

I do not recognize the humans anymore. There has been a change within their DNA, which has altered them physically, psychically, and spiritually. There exists a lack mentality within the humans nowadays. When one ventures out into this etiquette lacking society, you can actually see the looks on the other’s faces, as though they are not going to get what is rightfully theirs. Rarely do I see a smile on another’s face when out in this etiquette lacking society. I watch as the humans walk aimlessly through their lives; looking for some type of hope, with the blank expression of their life’s devastation, solemnly hanging off their face. Why not kill yourself, if you are that miserable living your life? The hurt and pain being expressed upon the other’s faces, is in fact brutal. The others do not have the capacity, nor the knowledge of how to let go. Their thoughts create their facial features, just as their thoughts create their now sandpapered body energy field. If you are a sensitive, which means you are highly sensitive to energy, and the energy others project, you may in fact find it difficult at times to be out in society. You will find yourself going out into society more in the evenings, as opposed to during the day, that is if you are not at work. You also refuse to drive your car during rush hour, as you are constantly absorbing the energetic frustration and aggravation from the other drivers on the road. You have the complete capacity to be an isolationist, as you greatly enjoy your time alone. If you do in fact have friends, they are of a select few, as you only have the capacity to befriend those with who you can maintain a deep connection with. If you are in a relationship, your partner must be completely on the same level as you; otherwise, the relationship will never work out, as your partner will lack the fundamental capacity to understand your thought process. Being a sensitive can be an isolating type of lifestyle, but this does not necessarily mean you have to live an unfulfilling isolated life. On your path through this life, you will meet others who are sensitives as well. You may or may not share a connection with one another, but that work is left between the two of you. I know you are not the type whom will utter the defaming words, “I’m bored” as neither you or I have the time or the patience with these types of others. I know you have very special interests, which no one else knows about other than you. It is good to pursue these interests, as this will probably be the most fulfillment you may encounter within this lifetime. You intuitively know you will not experience the type of fulfillment you receive through your interests, by being in any type of personal relationship. I have never experienced any type of fulfillment, within any type of personal relationship. This is my design, the way I am; not possessing the ability to conform on any level, as I am also unable to emotionally connect with those around me. I have worked through this character trait my entire life, as I fully accept this quality, which allows me to live within myself. I was born unto this world with the inner inclination of being solitary, as I have accepted this trait within its entirety. It is true: I have no friends, and two family members who somewhat care about me. This is pretty much all I need, as this is how I have lived throughout the duration of my life. I have never known anything different, as it is extraordinarily difficult for me to emotionally connect with other people, let alone being able to connect with another romantically.

Their Laughter

There is something intangible, ungraspable; something I have been searching for my entire life. I know it exists, though I do not know what it is, where to find it, or what it could possibly be. I am not entirely sure if it is a thing, a feeling, an emotion, or death for that matter. I know its existence is real, and I will attain it. I know this does not make sense to you, but for those of you who do understand exactly what I am talking about, it does make sense. Just when I think I may have found what I have been looking for, it is then presented to me that it is not. This is when I can hear the gods laughing at me again, yet I never allow their laughter to hinder my intent or movement forward. Nothing will hinder my search for this missing substance within my life, which I know exists.

Only the Present Can Be Manipulated

There is no such thing as a right or wrong decision- there is only the direction you move towards- that is it- that doubt- that second guessing yourself- it is all fake- just as this life we are supposedly living is- it does not exist- you just think it does- life is a dream you have not yet awaken from- the illusion of all allusions- the illusion of finding yourself recognizable- no one has ever recognized you- no one ever will- it would have already happened by now- if it was ever going to happen- it is true- you never know what tomorrow will bring into your life- how many todays have you lived, that were once tomorrows- so now you can see- it is the illusion within the allusion of the circumstances within your thought process- within your psyche- you can get down on yourself all you want- you can think about your past- the details you want to change within it- and all you know about today- it is all pointless- there is nothing which exists within your past, which is changeable- only the present can be manipulated- can be controlled- one can be folded into two- three- four- five- even six- it will sink low into you- but never allow it to go too low into you- you may never be able to get it out of your system- this is the way it works- all or nothing- the lack of not knowing- this is what will drive you insane- this is what will make you feel weak- insecure about yourself- just as it has always done to you within your decrepit lifetime- I never knew- or thought- life was going to be this way- there are mountains- forests- ravines- lakes- swamps- of regret within me- sometimes- I feel useless within myself- as though I have no power at all- always yelling at me- so fucking loud- it is another cycle of circumstance- I am ashamed of myself- the inability of not living my life the right way- not knowing how to live life- the lack of design- the welfare of it- I think it will all change tomorrow- it will all become better overnight- I have been waiting for this change for over 30 years- it does not look as though it is going to happen- I don’t mind- it does not seem to be my lot in this life to truly live- maybe tomorrow it will all be different- maybe tomorrow it will all change for me- maybe tomorrow I will learn how to let go of my internal damage- maybe tomorrow I will learn how to live- maybe tomorrow I will be able to allow all of the pains which are killing me to die- maybe tomorrow I will be able to accept myself- maybe tomorrow I will learn how to be alright with who and how I am- maybe tomorrow I will learn how to love myself-

To Remain Unfulfilled

See yourself through your eyes. To be yourself within your lies. An impossibility of acceptance. A memory within your self-inflicted cruel nonsense. There is no more time to dwindle away, enclosed within the sarcophagus of bondage and recklessness. I can see through your self-induced, tormenting nightmares. I can see through the secret depravity of your self-induced, wet and promiscuous daydreams. They will never be able to escape from your mind, no matter how many times you act them out in your waking life. This is the exact type of carnal revelations the Greek philosophers wrote about. That secret type of carnality, which only knows how to pleasure the flesh of temptation. To be yourself within your own carnality. To be yourself within your own pleasures. To be yourself; a lifelong dream, which will continue to remain unfulfilled.