Blog

There is something, which is intangible, un-graspable, which I have been seeking for my entire life. I know it is there, I know it exists; I just don’t know what it is, where to find it, or what it would even be. I am not entirely sure if it a thing, a feeling, an emotion, or even death for that matter. All I undoubtedly know, is that it exists and I need to attain it. I know this makes absolutely zero sense, but for those of you who understand exactly what I am talking about: it does. Just when I think I might have found what it is I have been looking for, it is then presented to me that it is not what I have been seeking; again, I can hear the gods laughing at me. I do not allow this to hinder my intent to move forward, to in fact find this missing substance within my life, which I know still exists. There is also this knot, I have felt within the pit of my stomach since I could remember. It has lived within the pit of my stomach since my early eviction from my mother’s womb. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to get the hell out of there as well; I was getting claustrophobic, and I needed to get the hell out of there. Eight months was a long enough stay for me, I needed to breathe on my own. The food and board were fine, I was just time for me to be on my own. This knot, which lives within the pit of my stomach, seems to be a living, breathing knot; tightening and loosening all on its own. It will get so tight sometimes, that out of nowhere, I will feel as though I am going to throw-up. It is not nerves, and it is not anxiety; it is the knot tightening itself completely around my soul. I felt the knot more intensely when I was younger, as opposed to now, that I am older. Possibly, it may be that I am just used to feeling it; with it not bother me as much anymore, but it is still there strangling my soul. I wonder sometimes, if this intangible, un-graspable, thing I have been seeking my entire life, is in fact a way to release this knot from the pit of my stomach. It makes sense to me, since there are the two, long term, common denominators throughout my lifetime. Both of these stigmas are related, and belong to one another. I can now see how these two afflictions have always had their way with me throughout my life. Perhaps I should just leave them be, since I cannot seem to understand their purpose within my life, or my purpose within theirs. There seems to be so many un-explainable circumstances within this life, which make absolutely no sense to me. I have search for answers all over the place, yet nothing ever becomes revealed, or ever comes to fruition. It is probably better this way, sometimes not knowing is better than knowing. Everything which exists within this vibration has a purpose; no matter what it is. There is nothing which is trivial, just as there is nothing which is coincidental. The purposes and the meanings of our experiences is solely for us to decipher and to understand. We may sometimes seek out others interpretations for what happens in our lives, but the experience happened to you, not them; it is up to the individual to understand their own life, their own purpose, and their own meanings from their own life. The greatest gift in this world, is the ability to think, speak, and act within your own consciousness.

Causative reactions fluctuate hyperbolically within a systemic and diluted thought process. Another place you can call home. No amount of tears will extinguish the flame which burns me alive. I am the synthesis of the underground. The quality of deathly frustrations. Life is a creation within the flesh. Its own mistake. Shattering all disbelief and hyperbolizes. The new reaction occurs. Blurring the illusion right before you. A sunrise in the west. Living life backwards. Your only way of life. Self-destruction rid you of me. Self-sabotage created your bondage. Another way of the snake. The fake. The diluted thought process. A recess of the soul. Words without control. A distant metaphor sneaking up on you. Killers. Without you I am back to when the world existed without you. Now I know this is the only place I will be able to live my life. Numb. Fulfilled. Impeccable.

I was not always how I am now; at least I did not start out this way. When I was a child, I was as ignorant as they came; aloof to the world, and the embodiment of it. As I grew older, I began to see what truly lurked within it. It actually scared me a little bit. This is a small part of the reason why; I first began to isolate myself from society. It was not a fear of being physically harmed, it was the unknowing if someone was being honest with me or not. It took me some time, but I was finally able to filter out the bullshit from the truth. This filter was developed by not emotionally connecting with the person you are reading. If you do become emotionally connected to the person you are trying to read, it will be that much more difficult for you to filter them out. Some people run such a good game; it will be extraordinarily difficult to read them. If this is the case, you will have to spend as much time with them as possible; that way you can learn their mannerisms, and learn the verbiage they consistently use. When someone is lying to you, they will use a different type of vocabulary, than they would when they are telling you the truth. Eye contact and hands are usually the best way to distinguish truth from bullshit. I soon came to the realization that I never really knew how fucked up people could be, and are. I soon came to the realization that people will lie straight to your face, just so they can achieve a desired outcome from you, even though it will not benefit you the slightest bit. I soon came to the realization that this is especially true when you are in a dating type of situation with a woman. Obviously, not all women are liars, and have cultivated manipulation to an art form; just as it is obviously true, that not all men are liars and cheaters. Everyone is unique within their own, “fucked-up-ness” if you will. You have to take the time, and listen to your heart when it comes to getting to know anyone; this is especially true when it comes to romance, or business. As for some, romance is their business. It is especially tough, when you want to follow through with a relationship, that your heart is warning you about. But believe me when it comes to this issue; your heart will never lie to you. The pain you feel from it sometimes, may feel as though you are dying, and everything in your life is ruined; but a lie, never!

Thoughtful sorrows give the hands of the tomorrows something to grasp onto. There is nothing more delicate than a broken heart. There is nothing more delicate than not knowing where to start. You and I have been here before. Swimming in the middle of the desert. Empty handed, you and I disbanded. A thirst quenched within the sands of the hourglass. A hug which is misses within the hands, which have now passed. There is nothing more to say, to write, to deny, or to fright. Only the loss of time is what I regret.

When I was young, I always had very high expectations for myself. Now that I am old, those expectations seem to have been either ignored, or forgotten about. To be lost within life, is one of the most exhilarating and scariest moments anyone could ever face. This is especially true when you get to a point in your life, and you do not even recognize your own face. The exhilaration comes from the limitless possibilities which are before you; as the scary moments seep in, as you have absolutely no idea what to do or how to do anything. I have experienced these moments many times throughout my life, yet I can now see that it has indeed not been many moments, but one very long period of time I have been experiencing. There does not seem to be an end to it, as there is no end to trying to understand one’s own self. Life is a fickle steel beam, never bending, and never the same; always reminding you of all of your failures and successes, all at the same time. How does one live their entire life, and not know what to do with it? Maybe one does in fact know what to do with their life, but has never experienced any success in the doing process. This in turn leads to a seeking towards success, and the fact that one has never truly experienced it. There must be a way one can find themselves, even though they have spent their entire lifetime lost within themselves and within this world. Self-seeking and self-sacrificing have never really existed, they are only ideals which seem to preoccupy one’s own self-destructive ways. So, do you see now how even self-destructiveness does not even exist? There is no such thing as success or failure; there is only a small concept of direction. This direction is following your own way, the right way. You will be presented with success and failure in the form of other people’s words and ideals; all of which have absolutely nothing to do with you. Your success or failure does not exist; it never has and it never will. What does exist is your heart, and the choice of following it, or ignoring it. You cannot measure the heart through success or failure, just as you cannot measure it through light or dark. Your heart is your own beat, your own way through this world. Love may never find you, and continually remain a stranger throughout your entire life; but as long as you walk to the beat of your own heart, you will always find the love within yourself. At the end of this journey we insist on calling a lifetime, we will see that the love within our hearts is the only type of love that has ever mattered. Life (the other people within our lives) will always without a doubt, try to break and ridicule us at every opportunity given to them. You must remember though; our life is meant to be lived by and through ourselves, not them. No one has a say so, or any type of authority over our lives: except for ourselves. There may be some sudden ideologies, which may be left out of your surroundings; consequently, your outer material surroundings may not necessarily be your own, or of your own making. As your will and thought process are manifested into the external world, so are unfathomable other thought processes being manipulated throughout your surroundings. It is important to take this knowledge into consideration, thus allowing it to blend into your surroundings at all times. It is important to be able to differentiate your external manifested surroundings from the others externally manifested surroundings. As our cities become even more overcrowded and overpopulated than they already are; all of the different external manifestations will start to blend into one another, as a living, breathing, suffocating cesspool of neurosis and rainbows. In fact, it is actually happening now as you are reading this. When one exorcises themselves from the city and back into nature where they belong, the inner voice will suddenly become audible, as the outer manifestations will grow and blossom into their rightful light. Only when this is achieved, will one know the true meaning of being a human being. We as “humans”, think we know what it means to live, to be alive, to live life to its fullest. When in actuality, we really do not have a clue as to what we are doing here, our what our purpose here on this planet was really for. Our purpose has absolutely nothing to do with money, making a living, working, religion, spirituality, God, or the Devil. If you leave the strangling confines of the city, and seek refuge within the warmth of nature’s womb, they you will know the truth of your life’s purpose, your life’s true meaning, and the reality of why you are here; moreover, it will put everything into perspective as to even why you decided to read this book. Now do you see?

The slow stagnancy will creep and seep into your life; straight down through you, right into your cold, sore, core. It will allow you to glimpse into your own reality; into all of your own distinct and deliberate ways of inconsistency. A psychological festering within the trident of your emotional values. None of it was ever meant to be difficult or easy; it was just meant to be. Your outlook upon the trident, is a direct reflection of your outlook onto yourself. The three ways. The three days. The three nights of sights and being. None of it should matter at this point. There is only you and I now. The past has been erased by your current mistakes. Only the future knows the absolute truth about you; consequently, your future is going to be the death of you.