Something Intangible

There is something, which is intangible, un-graspable, which I have been seeking for my entire life. I know it is there, I know it exists; I just don’t know what it is, where to find it, or what it would even be. I am not entirely sure if it a thing, a feeling, an emotion, or even death for that matter. All I undoubtedly know, is that it exists and I need to attain it. I know this makes absolutely zero sense, but for those of you who understand exactly what I am talking about: it does. Just when I think I might have found what it is I have been looking for, it is then presented to me that it is not what I have been seeking; again, I can hear the gods laughing at me. I do not allow this to hinder my intent to move forward, to in fact find this missing substance within my life, which I know still exists. There is also this knot, I have felt within the pit of my stomach since I could remember. It has lived within the pit of my stomach since my early eviction from my mother’s womb. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to get the hell out of there as well; I was getting claustrophobic, and I needed to get the hell out of there. Eight months was a long enough stay for me, I needed to breathe on my own. The food and board were fine, I was just time for me to be on my own. This knot, which lives within the pit of my stomach, seems to be a living, breathing knot; tightening and loosening all on its own. It will get so tight sometimes, that out of nowhere, I will feel as though I am going to throw-up. It is not nerves, and it is not anxiety; it is the knot tightening itself completely around my soul. I felt the knot more intensely when I was younger, as opposed to now, that I am older. Possibly, it may be that I am just used to feeling it; with it not bother me as much anymore, but it is still there strangling my soul. I wonder sometimes, if this intangible, un-graspable, thing I have been seeking my entire life, is in fact a way to release this knot from the pit of my stomach. It makes sense to me, since there are the two, long term, common denominators throughout my lifetime. Both of these stigmas are related, and belong to one another. I can now see how these two afflictions have always had their way with me throughout my life. Perhaps I should just leave them be, since I cannot seem to understand their purpose within my life, or my purpose within theirs. There seems to be so many un-explainable circumstances within this life, which make absolutely no sense to me. I have search for answers all over the place, yet nothing ever becomes revealed, or ever comes to fruition. It is probably better this way, sometimes not knowing is better than knowing. Everything which exists within this vibration has a purpose; no matter what it is. There is nothing which is trivial, just as there is nothing which is coincidental. The purposes and the meanings of our experiences is solely for us to decipher and to understand. We may sometimes seek out others interpretations for what happens in our lives, but the experience happened to you, not them; it is up to the individual to understand their own life, their own purpose, and their own meanings from their own life. The greatest gift in this world, is the ability to think, speak, and act within your own consciousness.