Blog

†

There is a spot within my heart, which will always remain hollow and empty. The unknowing spot. The hollow sinking spot; the spot which gave birth to the knots and pains throughout my life. The spot which gave birth to the inner conversations of self-hatred, and spawned the actions of self-seeking. It seems I may have been born with it, or perhaps it was hollowed out early on in my life. I have sought throughout my entire lifetime, to fill this spot with love; though I have never been able to find or create any such fulfillment. There is a cycle which lives within me; a seemingly never-ending cycle, which has created a whirlpool of devastation within, and throughout my lifetime. I open myself wide, hoping another heart will embrace mine. I always seem to find there is no embrace; only a sigh, only a back turned towards me, only a word, which tells me the true heart and feelings of the other: no. This is how I have come to develop, and turn into the irony within my life: lusted after my many, loved by none. I cannot open myself up anymore, yet this is all my heart wants to do. My heart needs to be seen within the sunlight of the gods. My heart yearns to be heard within the ears of the angels, as they sing the sun to sleep, and awaken the moon with their delicate aria’s. There are many exposures, which will allow you to sing within your lifetime. There are none so sweet and enchanting as the exposure of your pure and gifted heart, allowing itself sing, and to be known. Sometimes, the search, the journey of finding a heart like your own, will sometimes seem hopeless; it just might be. The only purpose in life is to give and receive love. When you live throughout your lifetime seeking this purpose and not finding it; this just might leave you feeling empty and frail within the depths of your soul. There are no limits to the emptiness, and the unfulfilling exposures, your soul and heart will feel within these duration’s within your lifetime. Your frail and empty life, may seem pointless and meaningless within these overexposed times, during the soul’s transition process.

Part 1: There are many different breeds, but none such as the one I have found for you. I know you think there may not be a difference between any of them. I assure you, there is a huge difference between all of them. The combination of all the differences is quite astounding, yet they are easy to see with the trained and naked eye. But you are well trained, aren’t you? He trained you real good for me, down to the last drop. Your eyes are the only parts of your body that are not naked. It was part of your training; the loss of dignity, and self-respect. I have always though highly of you, even though you think I do not. There really is no difference between you and I. We both harbor the same hatred, disgust, suicidal thoughts, and even the same thought process. The only real difference between you and I, is that I can hide my damage better than you.

Part 2: I have been thinking about it, about her, all night. I cannot get her out of my mind. She told me we knew one another in a past life. It was another one of life’s mysteries; an undiscovered underwater rock formation. I know this path, as I have traveled down it many times before. They think they know me, using their common adjectives to describe me internally. There are not words to align with who and what I am. I allow them to think whatever they want; they are going to do it anyway. Their minds are already certain, and made up; they distinctly know who I am. It is an association of a past experience they really know; not me, not who or what I am or about. I have become accustomed to it now; it has taken a whole lifetime to get used to. This is why all of the birds fly away from me; they already think they know who and what I am. No one has ever taken the time to listen, to see, and to understand the true meaning contained within my words. It is an expectation which will continue to exist unfulfilled. It does not bother me anymore, it used to, but not anymore. There is this deep flow which exists within me. This flow craves for someone to naturally have the ability to authentically transmute the meaning within my words. It is a delusional prospect, I know; yet the cravings never cease.

Part 3: The long periods of silence, bleed profusely through her words. I sank so deeply into that moment. I knew at that moment; the bleeding would never stop. There is not any type of stitch, which would be fitting for this kind of wound. Nothing will ever be able to sew the part of you up, which is boring within me. The moments of your voice, are the deceptions within my mind. I listen closely; as to not miss out on any secrets, which may slip through past your dull razor tongue. It is another delusion I have been feeding myself. My appetite is growing weaker, yet I still want to consume all of you. It will never be enough for me. I will never be enough for you.

When the crow caws- it recognizes you- it is cawing at you- the crow knows your name- the crow knows your secrets- your lies- your fears- it knows all about the delicate strands- holding your secrets- lies- fears- and your life together- as the crow was the entity who weaved them all together- nothing will ever remain hidden from the caw of the crow- it knows all which pertain to life- and to death- the caw is the transition from life to death- and from death to life- humanity dwells in between the circumstances- in between the light and the darkness- in between love and fear- and in between the translucent veil of life and death.