Author: ggkalfas

Part 4: Running away from me. Your barriers are unbreakable, even to me. I never felt the need to be around you until now. The feeling shatters my self-respect and dignity into nothingness. The way you held the bricks in front of your face allowed me to know how you truly felt about me; another sinking dip into the nothingness of what our relationship is. How could it be anything more than this? You and I would never allow it. I know you want to come out; revealing yourself from behind your lies, but they protect you so well. There is no way I could protect you better than your lies do. Your lips are so sensuous, they make your lies so kind and gentle; a soft deterioration only I could crave. It is me; it has always been me. I am the only one who has longed for you, who has craved you, who has needed you. I have always felt useless for wanting you, needing you. It is a feeling only a worthless vagrant could fully understand. There will never be anything or anyone, which could come between you and I. I am the one who needs you the most, more than anything, more than anyone. I am your end; I will be the last image your eyes will see before they go black.

The unconscious reality of the things which I cannot seem to get out of my mind. I know this dissonance cannot last, nor remain such as it is now; yet I feel a permanence may be on the horizon. Nothing and no one are forever, not even forever is forever. A simple schism, showing up periodically, just to remind you of how fragile you really are. A rote routine. Something you claim to have experienced for yourself. I have noticed it within you as well. Claiming to understand me, my plight and my fight; when you cannot even understand yourself, or your life for that matter. I have met many upon many people such as yourself; authorities of everything, but an actual authority of nothing. I don’t blame you. I would not want the world to know about, or even see me for who and what I really am either. You and I are differently the same; always seeking out experiences which may in fact bring harm upon ourselves. This is the only characteristic which you and I have in common. There is nothing else which ties you and I together.

The tailspin of isolation, can bring about a characterization of your internal truth, and your external mask. The real questioning begins, when you find your external mask, is actually looking into your soul, begging for answers for which are not there. There is no certainty to be had, just as there is no redemption to be found. There never was a point in searching for any of these to begin with, they have been absent from within for many years now. Stolen by the circumcisions of life: prejudices, ego, lost love, distractions, painful memories, and the all too frightfully familiar, hate. There is a specific type of hate, one experiences when this hate has a cross-hair focus on the others. It is a cancerous hate, which spreads into every cell within your body; multiplying the hate forward into infinite permanence. The raw extinguishment of love has officially taken place, as there will never be a glimpse of the sunrise within the heart of a hateful way of life. I can remember that day so vividly; I could feel the hate pouring through my burning eyes, as I watched the others live their lives. I was not content seeing their way of life, as I knew I was better than them, as I knew I was part of the selected few who had actually evolved past their species. I was ridiculed for my beliefs, as I always am; the adversity makes me stronger, more understanding of what it truly means to not know the truth. In life, I have come to understand, there never was any truth to begin with. You and I were brought up in lies, we were taught to live our life within these lies, and now we have woken up, seeing the lies for what they truly are: suffocation. To begin to live your life within your truth; you must first make peace with your past, if you skip this part, you will forever stay stagnant, spending the rest of your life going nowhere backwards. I have lived through the lie, just as I have lived through the truth; the lie is easier to live through, as the truth is a painful sensation within the spine. Yet, I would rather endure the pain, knowing it was real, as opposed to the blissfulness of a lie, not knowing it was fake.

The unfathomable releases itself, noticing its dark reflection within the mirror before it. A slight glance, a distant murmur, irrefutable discharge, charging into the blinding blackness of the cold Autumn night. A black silhouette, of a fragmented mind. A black silhouette, of what was found to unwind. The distance always held promising depictions, as these were depictions of what was to come. They could not be seen or heard externally, but within, the subtleness with, this was a different type of realm. The kind of realm, which made all of the demons lavishly weep for a certain type of redemption, which could never exist for their kind of torture. Lurking within the short distance, this is the bloodlust of motivation and self-seeking. This is the type of self-seeking bloodlust, which makes one’s mouth salivate profusely; grinding one’s insides in and out, wanting and needing more. The salivation comes when there is a temptress, who admits to have a claim in utero. This is the ultimate reward for the sacrifices, which were made, and will eventually be made within the hereafter. Insertion into in utero; the travesty of piety, a benefit for no one. Intensely watching the reflections of an exorcism within the black tainted mirror. The temptress receives more pleasure than pain, as she is begging for the same. Begging and pleading for the torture to never end, the rawness of her inner savage will never mend. This is what she undeniably credits to her slit wrists; she needs to be heard and seen, slightly caught in between, what she has always considered to be unclean. The distance still holds the unknown majesty within it. The future is always a golden chalice, waiting for anyone to drink life’s strong and intoxicating wine from. Life always tries to hide her face from the living; as she is always wearing a long black hooded robe, and holding a scythe in her hands. Life has never been a stranger to me. I know exactly who she is, and what she represents. Most people have never seen her, as I see her every night. She comes to visit me in my dreams, sometimes showing me my future while I sleep. For some curious reason, she will never show me my immediate future, but only my distant future. Life will reveal future events which will happen anywhere from 3 to 5 years in the future from the night I have the dreams. I will forget all about having these futuristic dreams, until an event within my waking life will cause me to recall these future dreams, I had 3 to 5 years prior. What is life trying to reveal to me, by giving me dreams of exactly what is going to happen in 3 to 5 years from now? I feel it may be a strong possibility, that no matter what decisions, no matter what choices we make, the place we end up will always be the same. Life is curious in that way; she will allow you to believe anything you want to believe, but will then mindfuck you just for her own pleasure. Just after Life has finished mindfucking you, she will allow you to believe something completely different, then again stepping in to seek out her pleasures from within your pain, permanently solidifying herself deep within your murky fragmented mind.

Your eyes are trying to peer into me through mine; as though you are looking for something, something familiar to you. There is nothing here for you to see dark tourist. There is absolutely nothing contained within your repertoire, which could even come close to your present experience with me now. There was no way you could have ever prepared yourself for this moment, as I have been prepared for it my entire life. You may think you know me, my type, my way, or other people like me, whom you associate me with, but nothing could be further from the truth, your truth, or my truth. Your truth lives within your eyes, just as my truth lives within mine. You see your world through your pleasures, experiences, and your beautiful pains; just as your lull paradigm has finally ran out of time. I see the world through the eyes of neglected time; to look at the world and life personally, would not be the way it was meant to be viewed. Others such as yourself; have lived through the aeons, blindly searching within this catastrophic mistake. So, now you think you can see me; what is it exactly you think you can see? My fears, my pains, all of my unknown secrets, which now you know? I will pretend to allow you to believe which ever truth or lie you choose; as you serve no importance within my life. There are no such things as truths or lies; there are only such things as different paradigms. The intent of a paradigm; this is what separates ideologies and realities, from the truth or a lie. I am open and honest within myself, as I have always been since the morning I was born. I leave my truths open and available to those who can see these insignia’s shine freely within me. For the true life-amateurs, these are the ones who think they know everything; moreover, they do know everything about absolutely nothing. I am not trying to demean the existence of people such as these, as it is always important to have cannon fodder available.