I was never good at any of it, nor could I understand how to do it. Even today, it is the one thing I have struggled with the most. For the life of me, I could never understand how to connect with people. It has been impossible for me to maintain a personal relationship with anyone during my lifetime. I have found it challenging to open myself up, as the return for doing so is unwanted judgement and critiques. What is the motivation to open up to another; when the openness would be met with judgement and criticism? I cannot see how there would be any type of motivation within it. The others, they are greatly disturbed by my dark expressions and modes. The others are disturbed to their core with my expressions; this is how I know I am doing something right. I greatly enjoy disturbing the others with my work; witnessing the repulsion and disgust, swim across their faces, as though they are grasping for air. This is how I know I have hit something deep within their psyche; something they have been hiding from the world and themselves for years. Their judgements and criticisms are always the same; utilizing basic adjectives such as: off, strange, awkward, and my favorite, which I hear the most: weird. The majority of the others in society are base and mundane to begin with, let alone possessing the capacity to comprehend myself or my expressions. I like it better this way, it allows me the ability to quietly exploit their feeble insecurities; one insecurity at a time, through my expressions and modes.
Tag: relationship
Ben and Eva
An arrangement of sorts, at least this is what she thought she wanted. Eva never really knew what she wanted, let alone wanting to have an arrangement of sorts with Ben. When Ben heard his phone ring, he reluctantly picked up; knowing exactly why Eva was calling him. Ben is not the procrastinating type, nor does he put up with nonsense; especially nonsense of the romantic type. Their conversation went something like this:
Ben: Hi Eva! How are you doing tonight?
Eva: I’m okay. I think you know why I’m calling. As you know, I have been thinking a lot about my past. I have thought about what we discussed the other night, and I’m thinking you and I could work out some type of arrangement.
Ben and Eva, were dating for almost a month, when Ben decided he could not tolerate dealing with Eva, her family drama, and the bullshit from her past, she dragged along with her through life. Yet, Eva was not in such a hurry to dismiss Ben’s presence from her life. As an avid collector of men, Eva did not want to let Ben go so fast. She had other ideas, the type of ideas, which pertained to a physical nature.
Ben: What kind of arrangement did you have in mind Eva?
Eva: So, you have two options. Option A: you and I can just be fuck buddies; friends with benefits. You and I will not date, it’ll just be sex, and you cannot tell me anything about my life, and I will do the same with you. That’s it! Option B: we can date and be boyfriend and girlfriend in a committed relationship, except there is no sex. Since you and I had sex so soon, it made me crazy, and it made me act differently towards you. I know I pushed you away, and I am sorry for that. I told you we shouldn’t have had sex so soon, but you wouldn’t listen. We had sex, and now here we are.
Ben: In option A, where we are “fuck buddies”; are we allowed to see other people, or are we monogamous “fuck buddies”?
Eva: No, I do not like having multiple sex partners, only one at a time.
Ben: So, what happens in option B; when you start kissing me heavily, and you want to be intimate? Are you going to be able to control yourself?
Eva: Oh yes! Absolutely! I can handle myself!
Ben: Of course, you can. You know, we would not be going through all of this in the first place if you did not push me away.
Eva: I have been thinking a lot about myself, and my past. As you know, when I was young, I was molested, and when I was a teenager, I started dancing. I just think all of those men fucked my head up. I am not in a place right now where I can be in an intimate relationship with anyone.
Ben: I completely understand, and I absolutely agree with you.
Eva: Please don’t take what I am saying the wrong way. I miss you, and I miss you being inside of me. I miss your lips on mine, but I just can’t do an intimate relationship with you right now, or with anyone else for that matter.
Ben: I understand, and I do not expect to have one with you Eva. Your past is your past, just as my past is mine. As I am understanding and sympathetic to your past, and your situation; I need a woman who is soft, sweet, and kind. I cannot even think about being with a woman who is cold, combative, and condescending. I understand you have things you are working out within your life, and I think it is great you are facing them. As of right now, you and I should just be friends. Let’s not worry about options, intimacy with one another, or even a relationship.
Eva: What the fuck Ben? You’re just going to push me away like that? What the fuck?
Ben: Listen, you just acknowledged you are not in a place where you can be in a relationship. I suggested we simply remain friends, and see one another a couple times a week or so. You are not out of my life, as I am not out of yours. We have only known one another for a month, and the arguing and bickering, which goes back and forth between you and I, is strangely comparable to an old married couple. It gets to be overwhelming at times Eva. I am just not up for it anymore. And frankly, I am no longer interested in being in a relationship with you, or even having sex with you. If you would like to remain friends, we can absolutely do that. I am not interested in anything other than being friends with you.
Eva: (Long silence) Well, I guess that’s it then. There is nothing more to say. You already have your mind made up without discussing it with me first. So, fuck you Ben! Fuck you! (Hangs up on Ben).
One month ago, Ben walked into Eva’s realty office; interested in a property she had for lease, as this is how the two first met. Halfway through their deeply, electrifying two-hour conversation; Ben asked Eva, if she would care to leave her office to go have coffee with him. Eva enthusiastically accepted, and the two started dating afterwards. I find it interesting how two random strangers can meet one another, and immediately hit it off; only to be at each other’s throats, a month later. All of us at one point or another, have the potential to behave like delusional romantics. We all want to believe what we see in the movies and on TV, could actually happen to us. A real-life romantic comedy; falling deeply in love with someone you randomly meet, but this is simply a marketing ploy we have all bought into. There is no such thing as a Hollywood romance, or a Hallmark Channel love affair; only the blunt and honest reality of disillusionment, which ultimately reveals its ugliness through words, at night, and over the phone.
G.G. Kalfas 