Tag: gg kalfas

A Dead Swan’s Song

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Life is as real as you want it to be…

It is in those tiny pieces of time; those tiny pieces in between each long and dragged out second, those long and tedious seconds, which create the moments within living through a lie. They are just as painful, as they are life consuming. Too much of life has been consumed by these tiny pieces of time, which have dragged life out for far too long. It was not supposed to end this way, but it seems to be the only way I have known. It was never supposed to end this way; it was never supposed to end on me. There is a fist within me; clenching my insides tightly. I have been within the grip of this clenching fist for all of my existence; it seems to have been born within me, when I was birthed into this vibration. This clenching has been with me for so long I forget it is there, hiding within me; holding, tugging, gripping, tearing, molding me into what I have become. There is a special kind of safety, I have found within this special type of torture; a commonality, a familiarity, a deadening, a simple way of existing. I would not necessarily call it a way of living, as much as I would call it an emotional and mental mummification of the spirit. This clenching has not allowed me to evolve beyond a certain point within my life; holding me back, pulling me down to the point of submersion. I drown within my inner thoughts, my speech, and my life within this deep, unbearable clenching submersion. I have learned over and over again to breathe without breathing. This is a life consuming task, which I have grown accustomed to dealing with. It will move on me, more and more each day, as this is how I have learned to overcome the clenching’s hold over me. Over the course of my lifetime, I have learned how to master the submersion. This is the true difference between you and I; the true difference between life and death. This is the life of the internal, as this is the death of the external. I have now mastered both life and death. I have now mastered the illusory material, and the non-cognitive external. I no longer allow the clenching to defeat me within my life, as I now swim within the black waters of its clenching darkness. Now, I am the clenching’s master; I own her darkness.

A Self-indulging Type of Gratification

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There was a time when I could see life clearly, it was so long ago, I can hardly remember it. Within my thoughts and memories; I try connecting the pieces I can remember, to the pieces I think I remember. For some odd reasoning, which I cannot thoroughly understand; it is more important to me now today, than it was when these memories and thoughts were occurring within my past, when it was in the present time. I am not entirely sure as to why this is, as these past experiences have been conjuring themselves up from within my mind without my permission. These past experiences have been occurring within my mind more intensely over the past two years, than they have ever been previously. My mind feels as though it is trying to heal itself from the life, which I have made it experience. It is an infected way of life, a life without a remedy, cure, or a vaccine from future explorations. What does my mind know, which I am failing to see for myself within my own life? This is information it knows, but refuses to entirely reveal to me. I have lived a diseased life many times over; self-inflicting infection upon myself, as though I would have eventually built up a tolerance to this pandemic the others refer to as life. Life is a form of treatment, as it is also a prescription for death; the only true remedy for this disease called life. I have acquired a strong tolerance against the diseases within life, which I have thoroughly exposed myself to. After a life-long journey acquiring this tolerance, I can now see the diseases within this life were of my creation; nothing and no one else’s. Perhaps this tolerance attainment, was a self-indulging type of gratification, which I could not get enough of. Perhaps it was simply an endurance factor; exploring the depths of what I could withstand before I would actually drown, while still maintaining the ability to resuscitate myself back to a life I was somewhat familiar with. This self-indulging type of gratification, has left me lean, tired, malnourished, jaded, but mostly hollow. I have approached the walls of my core, as I can still lick off some of the residue, which has been left behind; emptying myself of the true, singular essence of innocence, I was gifted with in the beginning of this incarnation. I am of the diseased type of self-indulgence; seeking my pleasures through physical and mental gratifications.

The People Pleasers

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The weakness within the others, will naturally lack the kinetics needed to manifest any type of creative character trait through volition alone. This is why the others, are so easily mailable to become good little controllable worker bees; falling in line, before the line severs their outstretched necks from their in-line body’s. I watch as these people pleasers fall in line; killing themselves within their actions, seeking acceptance from those who are also seeking acceptance. This impending rejection they so cunningly and desperately shun, is ever present; breathing over their boney shoulder, lurking within every dark corner, and hiding amongst everyone they will ever come into contact with. There will never be a relief from the unchained vanity dwelling within their weakness. These are the crude and idle projections of indolence, which these others have aspired to seek out within their debilitating desires.

A Specific Type of Healing

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This is exactly how they will know me; associating that specific type of pain, anger, and hostility towards me when I am in their sights. This is what my presence conjures within the others, when they feel the presence of my body energy field. I am the raw truth, which the others have sought within their ignorantly bred and fed lives. I am the ever present dark reflecting mirror within their begrudging realities. This is why their inner pain, anger, and hostility, become surfaced within my presence. I am the remedy they have sought, as their disease will not allow for a specific type of healing to take place. This is the way of the herd mentality; the circular path the sheeple walk upon. Their blinders hinder their sights; never allowing them to see what else exists beyond their imagination. I am what exists beyond the imagination. I am the truth; the hardest truth to face.

Intangible Clouds

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I have been trying to get it back; everything I lost, threw away, gave away, or mishandled. I have been trying to get it back; all of it, every single piece of it. The physical items, the memories, the emotions, that internal excitement I was consumed within, during the discovery of something new. I no longer experience newness, or any type of excitement whatsoever, as this is part of the lifecycle. Those intangible clouds you want to hold on to, as one day you come to the realization they will never exist as a material tangibility. They were once within my hands, no longer a substance which can be held within the palms, but only contained within the thoughts of the mind. These intangibles are all around me; swimming deeply within my heart. It is not; you do not know what you have until it is gone. It is more of; you did not know the uniqueness of who you were, as you were getting rid of it. Once a part of yourself leaves, you will never get it back; it is forever gone. The rigidity in which you ceased caring, is the same rigidity you will constantly feel within your heart, when these incorporeal memories and ideologies, come flooding back from within. Look upon yourself, and understand for what purpose were these things expelled from your life. You made a conscious effort, and took action to release these things from your life. There was a definite reasoning for it at the time, a reasoning which compelled you to take extreme action to release. There is no point in looking back, acting back, seeking back, or trying to remember any of it. They are now gone; allow them to be free, and to live on their own. Transitions come and go, as transitions will continue to slide themselves through you for the rest of your life. Allow the rest of your life to be natural, honest, delicate, and forthcoming. Do not hinder your growth by swimming in the memories of a past life, as this self-defeating action will only lead you to the land of nowhere. Nowhere is the abyss of nonexistence. Nowhere is the land of dead words, as it is also the residence of where the actions of the others live. This is where the heart lives in confinement; chained within the yesterdays, whys, and all of the should haves. Nowhere is where all the blood of every broken word dries up; leaving the mouth scabbed, crusty, and vengeful. Nowhere is when it happened; not enough knowledge to know any better, as better could not have existed within one’s self. Leave wanting it all back alone; allow life to naturally come back to you. It will eventually all come back, once you are ready for it to do so.