Tag: eyes

I will sit alone sometimes with the lights turned off; solitarily thinking about my life in the darkness. I will suddenly have a compulsion from within. This sudden compulsion makes me stand upright; wanting to throw myself out into the world. This is when I remember and acknowledge to myself; I have nowhere to go. When I talk to, or approach people is public, a look of dread and fear befalls upon their face; thinking I am death, and I have come to take them away with me. The fear these people display is certainly uncalled for. I am not there to kill them where they stand, as I will more than likely wait until there is no one else around; making sure there are no eye witnesses. Not really. I am actually quite harmless most of the time. But to these people, I do not seem to be. They do not know I am talking to them for some sort of human contact. This contact is not due to loneliness, or attention seeking, on the contrary; I do not need people in my life, and I have never experienced loneliness. I approach these people as a form of practice. By doing so, I do not get rusty when I do need to talk to someone when it is necessary. When I am standing there with the lights off, and this compulsion is running hurriedly through me; I think about going out and rummaging through this disgusting dying world. Once I run through all of my previous experiences of going out into the world; I usually arrive at the same conclusion I have always arrived at: it is all a waste of my precious time. Once I remember my previous outings into society, this is when I sit back down. I will sit there quietly; closing my eyes, thinking and fantasizing about a world which does not reject me, in the way I have come to reject it.