There was a time when I could see life clearly, it was so long ago, I can hardly remember it. Within my thoughts and memories; I try connecting the pieces I can remember, to the pieces I think I remember. For some odd reasoning, which I cannot thoroughly understand; it is more important to me now today, than it was when these memories and thoughts were occurring within my past, when it was in the present time. I am not entirely sure as to why this is, as these past experiences have been conjuring themselves up from within my mind without my permission. These past experiences have been occurring within my mind more intensely over the past two years, than they have ever been previously. My mind feels as though it is trying to heal itself from the life, which I have made it experience. It is an infected way of life, a life without a remedy, cure, or a vaccine from future explorations. What does my mind know, which I am failing to see for myself within my own life? This is information it knows, but refuses to entirely reveal to me. I have lived a diseased life many times over; self-inflicting infection upon myself, as though I would have eventually built up a tolerance to this pandemic the others refer to as life. Life is a form of treatment, as it is also a prescription for death; the only true remedy for this disease called life. I have acquired a strong tolerance against the diseases within life, which I have thoroughly exposed myself to. After a life-long journey acquiring this tolerance, I can now see the diseases within this life were of my creation; nothing and no one else’s. Perhaps this tolerance attainment, was a self-indulging type of gratification, which I could not get enough of. Perhaps it was simply an endurance factor; exploring the depths of what I could withstand before I would actually drown, while still maintaining the ability to resuscitate myself back to a life I was somewhat familiar with. This self-indulging type of gratification, has left me lean, tired, malnourished, jaded, but mostly hollow. I have approached the walls of my core, as I can still lick off some of the residue, which has been left behind; emptying myself of the true, singular essence of innocence, I was gifted with in the beginning of this incarnation. I am of the diseased type of self-indulgence; seeking my pleasures through physical and mental gratifications.
Tag: consciousness
Intangible Clouds
I have been trying to get it back; everything I lost, threw away, gave away, or mishandled. I have been trying to get it back; all of it, every single piece of it. The physical items, the memories, the emotions, that internal excitement I was consumed within, during the discovery of something new. I no longer experience newness, or any type of excitement whatsoever, as this is part of the lifecycle. Those intangible clouds you want to hold on to, as one day you come to the realization they will never exist as a material tangibility. They were once within my hands, no longer a substance which can be held within the palms, but only contained within the thoughts of the mind. These intangibles are all around me; swimming deeply within my heart. It is not; you do not know what you have until it is gone. It is more of; you did not know the uniqueness of who you were, as you were getting rid of it. Once a part of yourself leaves, you will never get it back; it is forever gone. The rigidity in which you ceased caring, is the same rigidity you will constantly feel within your heart, when these incorporeal memories and ideologies, come flooding back from within. Look upon yourself, and understand for what purpose were these things expelled from your life. You made a conscious effort, and took action to release these things from your life. There was a definite reasoning for it at the time, a reasoning which compelled you to take extreme action to release. There is no point in looking back, acting back, seeking back, or trying to remember any of it. They are now gone; allow them to be free, and to live on their own. Transitions come and go, as transitions will continue to slide themselves through you for the rest of your life. Allow the rest of your life to be natural, honest, delicate, and forthcoming. Do not hinder your growth by swimming in the memories of a past life, as this self-defeating action will only lead you to the land of nowhere. Nowhere is the abyss of nonexistence. Nowhere is the land of dead words, as it is also the residence of where the actions of the others live. This is where the heart lives in confinement; chained within the yesterdays, whys, and all of the should haves. Nowhere is where all the blood of every broken word dries up; leaving the mouth scabbed, crusty, and vengeful. Nowhere is when it happened; not enough knowledge to know any better, as better could not have existed within one’s self. Leave wanting it all back alone; allow life to naturally come back to you. It will eventually all come back, once you are ready for it to do so.
It is Your Sole (Soul) Responsibility
Life will leave you behind if you don’t keep up with it. It will leave you so far behind, you might never be able to catch up to it. Yet, there is hope! You don’t need to catch up to it, if you are in fact starting a new life; completely separate from the life which left you behind. That’s all you need to turn a frown upside down. The ones you thought would care don’t, and the ones who never cared still don’t: third verse same as the first. No one needs to care, as it is not their responsibility to do so. Only you need to care about yourself, as this is the greatest gift you could ever possess. It is your sole (soul) responsibility to care for yourself, to truly understand what self-reliance means within the depths of your internal nature. You are your gift, and fuck everything and everyone else.
Those People
Have you ever taken the time to notice those people? You know the type I’m talking about. Perhaps, you yourself may be one of those types of people. The kind of people who are always so busy; creating as many distractions as possible within their mundane lives, in order to keep themselves distracted, as though their tedious distractions are going to solve all of their life’s problems. What a waste of time. Not the distractions, but the person distracting themselves from their life. Time is the most precious possession a human being can, or ever will possess. Why would one waste the precious time they are given within this life, by throwing it away watching TV, altering their consciousness through the vice of their chosen narcotics, or spending time with those who do not enhance their quality of life? How much time do you waste within your life, with the nonsense and bullshit which has no purpose within your life? Life does in fact become trickier, when you worry and focus upon everybody else’s business in the world, and not your own. This type of subversion is just another way for you to waste your time; creating a distraction from your life, which has absolutely nothing to do with you. What goal has ever been achieved, by focusing and distracting one’s attention towards external circumstances, which have absolutely nothing to do with them? Not one.
Oakwood Cemetery Huntsville, Texas
Only the Present Can Be Manipulated
There is no such thing as a right or wrong decision- there is only the direction you move towards- that is it- that doubt- that second guessing yourself- it is all fake- just as this life we are supposedly living is- it does not exist- you just think it does- life is a dream you have not yet awaken from- the illusion of all allusions- the illusion of finding yourself recognizable- no one has ever recognized you- no one ever will- it would have already happened by now- if it was ever going to happen- it is true- you never know what tomorrow will bring into your life- how many todays have you lived, that were once tomorrows- so now you can see- it is the illusion within the allusion of the circumstances within your thought process- within your psyche- you can get down on yourself all you want- you can think about your past- the details you want to change within it- and all you know about today- it is all pointless- there is nothing which exists within your past, which is changeable- only the present can be manipulated- can be controlled- one can be folded into two- three- four- five- even six- it will sink low into you- but never allow it to go too low into you- you may never be able to get it out of your system- this is the way it works- all or nothing- the lack of not knowing- this is what will drive you insane- this is what will make you feel weak- insecure about yourself- just as it has always done to you within your decrepit lifetime- I never knew- or thought- life was going to be this way- there are mountains- forests- ravines- lakes- swamps- of regret within me- sometimes- I feel useless within myself- as though I have no power at all- always yelling at me- so fucking loud- it is another cycle of circumstance- I am ashamed of myself- the inability of not living my life the right way- not knowing how to live life- the lack of design- the welfare of it- I think it will all change tomorrow- it will all become better overnight- I have been waiting for this change for over 30 years- it does not look as though it is going to happen- I don’t mind- it does not seem to be my lot in this life to truly live- maybe tomorrow it will all be different- maybe tomorrow it will all change for me- maybe tomorrow I will learn how to let go of my internal damage- maybe tomorrow I will learn how to live- maybe tomorrow I will be able to allow all of the pains which are killing me to die- maybe tomorrow I will be able to accept myself- maybe tomorrow I will learn how to be alright with who and how I am- maybe tomorrow I will learn how to love myself-
G.G. Kalfas 