I have been trying to get it back; everything I lost, threw away, gave away, or mishandled. I have been trying to get it back; all of it, every single piece of it. The physical items, the memories, the emotions, that internal excitement I was consumed within, during the discovery of something new. I no longer experience newness, or any type of excitement whatsoever, as this is part of the lifecycle. Those intangible clouds you want to hold on to, as one day you come to the realization they will never exist as a material tangibility. They were once within my hands, no longer a substance which can be held within the palms, but only contained within the thoughts of the mind. These intangibles are all around me; swimming deeply within my heart. It is not; you do not know what you have until it is gone. It is more of; you did not know the uniqueness of who you were, as you were getting rid of it. Once a part of yourself leaves, you will never get it back; it is forever gone. The rigidity in which you ceased caring, is the same rigidity you will constantly feel within your heart, when these incorporeal memories and ideologies, come flooding back from within. Look upon yourself, and understand for what purpose were these things expelled from your life. You made a conscious effort, and took action to release these things from your life. There was a definite reasoning for it at the time, a reasoning which compelled you to take extreme action to release. There is no point in looking back, acting back, seeking back, or trying to remember any of it. They are now gone; allow them to be free, and to live on their own. Transitions come and go, as transitions will continue to slide themselves through you for the rest of your life. Allow the rest of your life to be natural, honest, delicate, and forthcoming. Do not hinder your growth by swimming in the memories of a past life, as this self-defeating action will only lead you to the land of nowhere. Nowhere is the abyss of nonexistence. Nowhere is the land of dead words, as it is also the residence of where the actions of the others live. This is where the heart lives in confinement; chained within the yesterdays, whys, and all of the should haves. Nowhere is where all the blood of every broken word dries up; leaving the mouth scabbed, crusty, and vengeful. Nowhere is when it happened; not enough knowledge to know any better, as better could not have existed within one’s self. Leave wanting it all back alone; allow life to naturally come back to you. It will eventually all come back, once you are ready for it to do so.
G.G. Kalfas 