A Self-indulging Type of Gratification

There was a time when I could see life clearly, it was so long ago, I can hardly remember it. Within my thoughts and memories; I try connecting the pieces I can remember, to the pieces I think I remember. For some odd reasoning, which I cannot thoroughly understand; it is more important to me now today, than it was when these memories and thoughts were occurring within my past, when it was in the present time. I am not entirely sure as to why this is, as these past experiences have been conjuring themselves up from within my mind without my permission. These past experiences have been occurring within my mind more intensely over the past two years, than they have ever been previously. My mind feels as though it is trying to heal itself from the life, which I have made it experience. It is an infected way of life, a life without a remedy, cure, or a vaccine from future explorations. What does my mind know, which I am failing to see for myself within my own life? This is information it knows, but refuses to entirely reveal to me. I have lived a diseased life many times over; self-inflicting infection upon myself, as though I would have eventually built up a tolerance to this pandemic the others refer to as life. Life is a form of treatment, as it is also a prescription for death; the only true remedy for this disease called life. I have acquired a strong tolerance against the diseases within life, which I have thoroughly exposed myself to. After a life-long journey acquiring this tolerance, I can now see the diseases within this life were of my creation; nothing and no one else’s. Perhaps this tolerance attainment, was a self-indulging type of gratification, which I could not get enough of. Perhaps it was simply an endurance factor; exploring the depths of what I could withstand before I would actually drown, while still maintaining the ability to resuscitate myself back to a life I was somewhat familiar with. This self-indulging type of gratification, has left me lean, tired, malnourished, jaded, but mostly hollow. I have approached the walls of my core, as I can still lick off some of the residue, which has been left behind; emptying myself of the true, singular essence of innocence, I was gifted with in the beginning of this incarnation. I am of the diseased type of self-indulgence; seeking my pleasures through physical and mental gratifications.